The Owl Chronicles
by white mouse
Summary: Severus, Minerva, Sybill and cringe Lockhart take the 3rd year students on a Muggle Studies field trip. Of course it's complete anarchy.
1. Chapter 1

This story was written before the release of _"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"_. It is pretty AU to begin with, and is even more so now! This story was originally posted on Sycophant Hex's Occlumency archive. If you would like to read more of my fiction, please visit the site and search for my penname there, "mouse".

**Disclaimer:** All hail J. K. Rowling, who created this world for us, and who doesn't sue our pants off for playing in it when she's not looking.

* * *

**The Owl Chronicles** - a story implied by correspondence

* * *

Dear Severus, 

Good news! The Ministry has just granted us funding to do that Muggle studies field trip I've been wanting to set up! Pack your bags, Severus, you're going to London this weekend with the second year students!

Love, Albus

* * *

Dear Albus, 

I'd sooner die in a pit of flesh-eating slugs. I will NOT do this.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Severus, 

Could you pop by my office this afternoon, after your sixth year Potions class is over? Ta very much.

Love, Albus

* * *

Dear Severus, 

I heard (literally - you were very loud) that you spoke to Albus about the field trip this afternoon. You have my condolences; I've been roped into it too.

You didn't yell at Albus nearly enough, however. Did he happen to mention who you'll be sharing a room with? I didn't think so. You'll be paired with Gilderoy Lockhart.

Try not to kill the man, you poor dear. I've been paired with Sybill, so you know I'm going to have my work cut out for me keeping my temper this weekend too.

Regards, Minerva

* * *

Dearest Severus, 

I have thought about your suggestion, but I must decline. One hardly needs second sight to know what Minerva's reaction would be to such a swap. Yes, we are all adults and professionals here, but teachers of opposite sexes shouldn't share rooms when we don't permit the students to do this. It sets a poor example, my dear.

Besides, although Gilderoy and I do have vaguely similar tastes in fashion, I find that being in the same room as all those sequins befuddles my inner eye. Plus the wretched man never shuts up about himself. No, I don't want to trade rooms with you.

See you on the bus in the morning, Sybill

* * *

Dear evil-minded goat-stinking troll, may you rot in Hades for all eternity, 

_Thank you_ so much, Albus, for giving all the children bags of sherbet lemons to keep their spirits up during the bus trip. Yes, nothing keeps a child's spirits up like a rampaging sugar high, does it? Now I'm trapped for nine hours in a jolting metal box with a washroom the size of coffin and forty raving, sugar-addled hellspawn - who are undoubtedly going to turn into forty bickering, carsick whingers in a few short hours. And why do we have to take a bus anyway? Why couldn't we Portkey to London, and _then_ immerse ourselves in Muggle culture?

Speaking of being immersed in Muggle culture, I just wanted to point out how very, _very_ much I hate trousers. Nine hours on this bloody bus. Every time I have to claw wrinkled wads of denim out of my chafed crotch region, I'm going to be thinking of you, Albus.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Albus, 

I know you said we were to refrain from using magic if we could help it, but I'm very sorry - we're at the seven-hour mark of the bus trip and we've just been forced to tie Severus into his seat with an Incarcerous spell.

He was actually doing remarkably well keeping his temper with the students (remarkably well for Severus, that is), but then Gilderoy woke up from his nap, and - shall we say - began to acerbate an already over-wrought situation. And an already over-wrought Potions master.

Thankfully, the Muggle driving the bus is wearing ear plugs and didn't notice a thing, and Gilderoy managed to put his hair out before it set off the smoke alarm. Of course, he's refusing to come out of the bathroom right now, but that makes Severus happy, so no loss there.

Nine hours, Albus. I don't care how much fun riding in a bus sounded to you, nine hours on one of these wretched contraptions is quite enough to be going on with.

Regards, Minerva

* * *

Dear Albus, 

Have arrived in London. Arse hurts. Students have gone into a frenzy. Will check into the hotel and then deal with getting the little monsters some dinner.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Severus, 

Get downstairs, you selfish toad! You can unpack your bags later! The students are climbing the hotel walls down here! They're out of control! Longbottom just barfed with excitement! Why do you think Albus sent you on this blasted field trip anyway, Severus? It's because you scare the students shitless, _SO GET DOWN HERE AND DO YOUR JOB!_

Sybill

* * *

Dear Albus, 

We've finally succeeded in getting the students fed and sorted into their rooms for the night, although -

"No Lockhart, I didn't 'remember' to bring a curling iron with me."

by the sounds thundering through the walls of this room, I would say there's not much hope that the students are actually _asleep_ right now. The plan for tomorrow -

"No, Lockhart, I'm quite certain that I didn't bring a curling iron. No. I didn't. Dammit, I said no! Does my hair look curly? Has it ever looked curly? Stop asking me! I'm trying to write a letter here, you prancing woolly-headed bowtruckle!"

is a morning spent in a shopping plaza, followed -

"How would I know, Lockhart? Just go down to the front desk and ask if they've got one you could borrow."

by lunch in a restaurant where the students will demonstrate their ability to blend in with Muggles by ordering their own meals and paying individually. After that we shall be taking in a "movie" at a "cinema". You know, Albus, I never took Muggle Studies when I was a boy. This trip really is an imposition on me; I hardly know what I'm doing. A "movie" is a sort of play, isn't it? Thank goodness Minerva is taking care of the money at least. And why precisely -

"Back already, Lockhart? Oh joy. The spa was closed for the night, you say? Yes; what a frightful calamity. Look, just shut up, will you? I'm still trying to write this letter."

is the Muggle Studies teacher not actually supervising the trip? I mean really, that woman just flounces around Hogwarts like she's some sort of femme fatale from a bad bodice-ripper novel and she doesn't appear to actually know how to teach -

"No! I'm not going to bloody well curl your hair for you, Lockhart! Go get one of the students to help you! I'm sure that at least half of them would dearly love an opportunity to touch your hair!"

her subject. Oh bother it all; Lockhart keeps distracting me. I'll tell you how everything went tomorrow, Albus. Good night.

Yours, Severus

PS - I haven't strangled Lockhart yet. In fact, I think I'm dealing with him with admirable restraint, regardless of whatever Minerva might have told you about the bus ride.

* * *

Dear Minerva, 

I know it's two o'clock in the morning and you were probably sleeping, but can I please, _please_ sleep on the floor of your room? I'll bring my own blanket and pillow. You know I wouldn't be asking if it weren't important.

Yours desperately, Severus

PS - I haven't strangled Lockhart _yet_.

* * *

Dear Albus, 

It's three o'clock in the morning, and I'm currently writing to you from the hotel bar because Minerva is a deeply uncharitable woman after her sleep has been disturbed.

Did you know that Lockhart talks in _his_ sleep? And if you think that Lockhart is a raving egomaniac when he's awake, I assure you that he's much worse when he's asleep, and that it all takes on a deeply disturbing sort of _Freudian_ tone too. It has never occurred to me before that sex fantasies such as those _existed_.

I'm not sure what to do. If I had a draught of Dreamless Sleep, it wouldn't be a problem, but since I don't, I'm faced with either not sleeping tonight (because you can't listen to Gilderoy's sort of nocturnal masturbatory cooing and not have your eyes pop out of your head in horror) - or getting myself too incapacitated with alcohol to stay awake, and then just dealing with the ill effects of that tomorrow.

And murder. That's a third possibility, I suppose.

I hate you like a father, Albus. I shall never forgive you doing this to me.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Albus, 

We're just getting breakfast for the children at the hotel restaurant right now. The reason why I'm writing this is because Severus is having a bit of a lie-in. Gilderoy says he wasn't feeling very well this morning. Hopefully he'll be alright to come with us to the shopping plaza, because we're already a bit short-handed with only one teacher per ten students.

Oh good; Severus just came down the stairs. He doesn't look too well, but he says he'll be alright. He's just getting himself a cup of black coffee before the bus arrives to take us to the shopping plaza. Severus will take over sending you updates for the rest of the day, Albus.

Regards, Minerva

* * *

Dearest Severus, 

I'm somewhere in the shopping plaza. There's a fountain. I've lost half my students and I don't know where I am. I think all of these Muggles have blinded my inner eye. Could you come and find me? I'm beginning to feel a wee bit distraught right now. I really don't like crowds.

Sybill

* * *

Dear Severus, 

Er, I'm standing next to a big store that sells shoes. Have you any idea where in the plaza that might be? North end, south end? Funny, isn't it, how all of these shops look alike.

They sell some very cute shoes, however. Er, if you happen to see any of my students, just hang onto them for me, would you? Ta very much.

Sincerely, Gilderoy Lockhart

* * *

Dear Minerva, 

Weren't Potter, Weasley and Granger supposed to be part of your group? I've just discovered them in something called an "arcade", playing a game which apparently consists of manhandling a large lever and shouting a lot while some unholy contraption makes a blinging, beeping racket at you.

My students are finding the "arcade" quite fascinating, so I'm leaving them in there for now (my head can't take the noise; I'm sitting under a plastic tree outside). If you happen to come across us, stop in and I'll hand over the "Trouble Triplets" to you again.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Severus, 

Yes, those three got away from me. Thank you for nabbing the little blighters. And weren't Crabbe, Goyle and Malfoy supposed to be part of your group? I've just found them perusing some _highly_ inappropriate magazines in a tobacco shop. I gave that Muggle at the front counter a piece of my mind, let me tell you; it's absolutely disgraceful, leaving material like that low enough that young boys can reach it.

It's almost noon, so if I don't find the "arcade" before then, I'll just meet you at the food fair in the north end of the shopping plaza for lunch, as was agreed.

Regards, Minerva

PS - If you happen to pass by something called a "security desk", please stop and collect Mr. Longbottom for me, won't you? I'm sure you've been hearing them paging me to come and pick him up. You'd think it might occur to them to say where the security desk is, wouldn't you?

* * *

Dear Professor Snape, 

I'm at the security desk right now with Professor Trelawney and some of the other students who have got lost since we entered the shopping plaza. Professor Trelawney was in a terrible state when they first brought her over, but she seems to be calming down now. They gave her a paper bag to breathe into.

Anyway, from what Theodore Nott said when he wandered by a few minutes ago (he said he wasn't lost, and didn't stick around), you're pretty close to where we are right now.

If you go north to the coin-operated plastic horse and then turn left, you'll find the security desk. Could you please come and collect us all? I'm getting hungry.

Respectfully, Neville Longbottom

PS - One of the lady security guards just went off to get Pansy Parkinson, who is apparently trapped in one of the cubicles in the girl's toilet and is wailing her head off. We should probably wait for her, too.

* * *

Dear Severus, 

I've just found Hannah Abbott! The poor little thing was lost, but thankfully I was there to rescue her! Apparently she got separated from Sybill's group while examining a display of bubble gum. Could have happened to anyone; I myself am often distracted by shops that sell kicky little high heeled shoes.

Er, we're standing beside a fountain right now. Any idea where that is? Just wondering.

Sincerely, Gilderoy Lockhart

* * *

Dear Minerva, 

I'm currently at the food fair, and have managed to acquire well over half of the students (and Sybill), despite having only been assigned a quarter of them this morning. Where are you? The children are getting whiny, and you've got all the lunch money.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Severus, 

I'll be there as soon as I can. I've got a bit of a situation here. I'm currently engaged in a discussion with a rather straight-laced security guard who is trying to have Gilderoy thrown out of the shopping plaza. According to Gilderoy, Hannah Abbott (the only student he's managed to hang onto this morning) was upset about being lost for several hours, and so to cheer her up, they went into a shop and started trying on high heeled shoes. I'm not sure what all the fuss is about, but apparently it's not common for Muggle men to wear those (I shall have to remember to tell Albus that; he's so fond of those purple boots of his). At any rate, as soon as I can get this silly Muggle to leave Gilderoy alone, we'll join you straight away. Oh, and Theodore Nott was picked up for shoplifting. I've got him with me also. He was nicking cigars from that same tobacco place that I picked up Crabbe, Goyle and Malfoy in, but thankfully, the clerk was willing to let it go when he saw that he was going to have to deal with me again.

Regards, Minerva

* * *

Dear Albus, 

The morning has been a disaster. First Sybill had a panic attack, then -

"Mr. Thomas! Take those drinking straws out of your nose at once! Five points from Gryffindor!"

Gilderoy got lost, and then pretty much three quarters of the students got "lost", although they all managed to get lost suspiciously close to either the games arcade, the comic book shop, or one of the three sweets shops. We are currently -

"Miss Patil! Miss Parkinson! Stop throwing your won tons at each other! Five points from Gryffindor and five points from Slytherin! Don't give me that look, Miss Parkinson! We are in public; show some proper Slytherin self-control! No! I don't care what she just called you!"

missing eight students, and have the security guards combing the plaza looking for them. Minerva has just -

"No, Longbottom! No more candied apples! You're just about vibrating from the sugar intake as it is! I told you to go buy a healthy lunch - now do it!"

dispensed lunch money to the students, and they are currently -

"Mr. Boot! If you stomp on one more packet of catsup, I shall be writing to your parents! Five points from Ravenclaw! Now go get some paper serviettes and clean that up!"

buying themselves lunch. When we finish here, we shall -

"Sybill, Mr. Longbottom just tripped and impaled Miss Granger on one of the candy apple sticks that he had hidden from me in his pocket. Could you go and deal with that? I'm not good with wailing children."

be going to the cinema, where I sincerely hope that the students will just settle down and watch the show. Apparently we're going to see something called "Wayne's World". I don't know what it's about, but it sounds like it might be a character study. I do hope the movie -

"Oh yes, Mr. Finch-Fletchley, how amusing. Great green boogers to amuse your friends with, and now you're regretting it. Is it my fault that you wanted to stuff wasabi up your nose? No, I can't make it stop burning. Go to the washroom and see if you can wash it out."

is something artistic and noir. I've had quite enough juvenile antics this morning to last me for an entire year.

Yours,

"Potter! Weasley! Get down off that table! Stop flinging mashed potatoes at Mr. Malfoy! Five points from Gryffindor for each of you!"

Severus

PS - I'm in hell, Albus. I really am.

* * *

Dear Sybill, 

Get your bony arse back into this movie theatre, woman. If Severus, Gilderoy and I have to sit through this frightful drivel, then so do you.

Minerva

* * *

Dear Albus, 

Finished watching the movie. Want to kill myself. Students keep quoting the dialogue.

Severus

* * *

Dear Albus, 

We're back at the hotel now, and have just finished dinner. Severus has gone upstairs for a bit of a lie-down, which is why I'm sending you the update again.

What a dreadful movie that was. Who chose that, Albus? The children enjoyed it far too much, unfortunately, and are now imitating the two main characters's speech patterns incessantly. I shall have to ban it presently, just for the sake of my sanity.

After dinner, we're allowing the students some free time, to go swimming or to socialise. Hopefully we've worn them out enough today that they'll actually sleep tonight instead of thundering up and down the hallways until midnight again. I'm certainly knackered, and Sybill looks like she's been through the mill too. I suspect even Gilderoy is feeling worn out, and he's the youngest of the four of us. He's gone up to the spa for a pedicure, and I think I might just join him, if I can convince Sybill to keep an eye on the students in the pool tonight.

Regards, Minerva

* * *

Dearest Severus, 

Could you pop down to the pool for a few minutes? I'm having a wee bit of trouble getting the students to not run on the wet tiles, and you're so good at getting them obey you.

Sybill

* * *

Dear Severus, 

Did you get my previous message? Now they're throwing Mr. Longbottom into the deep end repeatedly, and Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley keep chasing Mr. Malfoy around and yanking his shorts down. Please drop by, if you would be so kind. It's getting a little bit rowdy down here.

Sybill

* * *

Severus, 

Please come down here. Now the students are doing "cannonballs" and they won't remainder of letter is unreadable and parchment is soaking wet

* * *

Severus! 

Come down here at once! Now they've thrown the sofa from the lobby into the pool and are jumping up and down on it, trying to make it sink! Miss Parkinson has been suspended from the diving board by the arse of her bathing suit! Malfoy, Potter and Weasley are running around in the car park stark naked, screaming profanities at one another! There's a brown lumpy **_something_** floating in the pool!

I just wanted a quiet evening by the pool! Demon-bunnies! Fiends! Devil-possessed Boggart-spawn! I hate them! I hate them all! I have Seer blood! I DO NOT DESERVE SUCH TREATMENT!

Sybill

* * *

Dearest Severus, 

Thank you for stopping by the pool and straightening that all up. I am continually amazed by your knack with children. It was almost eerie how quickly they all went quiet after you showed up and stood there staring at them, wearing that ... very small ... green Speedo.

And then they all started leaving and going up to their rooms, quiet as mice. Quite amazing.

Oh, and thank you also for helping me fish the sofa out of the pool and Obliviate the desk clerks. You're a dear, Severus.

Hope you enjoyed your swim, Sybill

PS - I liked the serpent embroidered on the front of your Speedo, by the way.

* * *

Dear Lockhart, 

I know that you and Minerva had a few sherries after your pedicure. I know that you were a little drunk. I understand that alcohol can lower the inhibitions, and yes - I was only wearing my bathing suit and sandals at the time.

I want you to know that I am as open-minded as the next person, and I do not hold the incident against you, but that my tastes do not run in those directions. To be frank, your proposition startled me in the extreme. I assure you that I did not mean to react quite that vehemently.

You and I are sharing a room for another night, and in the interests of preventing further embarrassment and discomfort to us both, I must ask that you never mention that unfortunate incident in the stairwell again. We shall just pretend it did not happen. Furthermore, you are to keep your hands, eyes and mouth to yourself in future; understood?

I will un-jinx the hotel room door and let you in as soon as you slip a note under it saying that you agree to this.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Sybill, 

I know it's two o'clock in the morning and you were probably sleeping, but can I please, _please_ sleep on the floor of your room? I'll bring my own blanket and pillow. You know I wouldn't be asking if it weren't important. Lockhart is talking his sleep again, and - let's just put it this way - I keep hearing the word "Speedo" mentioned in some very alarming contexts.

Yours desperately, Severus

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** All hail J. K. Rowling, who created this world for us, and who doesn't sue our pants off for playing in it when she's not looking.

**A/N:** This is certainly Alternate Universe stuff.

* * *

**The Owl Chronicles** - continued

* * *

Dear Albus,

My liver and my hangover hate you too. Bloody shrewish Sybill. And bloody Lockhart too, for that matter. I'm going to have to burn that bathing suit now; I shan't be able to make myself wear it ever again.

Today we're taking the children to something called an amusement park, which apparently does not involve trees. Sounds quite twee; I can't imagine anything calling itself an "amusement" park to actually be amusing. Since I don't really know what to expect, I'll send this off now and owl you an update later, after I've had a look around the park.

We're supposed to spend eight hours there; I expect I shall be very, very bored.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Albus!

The Muggles are crazy! Are you trying to kill us, you candy-addled old man? Do you know what an amusement park is, Albus? IT'S SUICIDE ON A STICK! Mechanical maelstroms to satisfy your every motion sickness need! They've got a cage that hauls you hundreds of feet into the air and then...just...DROPS you! They've got something like a giant saucepan that spins so fast that everyone inside it gets splattered against the outer walls! They've got a machine that hurls you into the air and then whirls you around in about fifty different directions at speeds sufficient to break your neck! They've even got something that looks suspiciously like those little railway cars that the Gringotts goblins stuff you into when you need to go to your vault! And it all relies on MUGGLE technology, Albus! This can't possibly be safe!

How am I supposed to justify strapping children into Muggle death machines all day, Albus? All I can hear right now is people screaming! HOW IS THIS PLACE SUPPOSED TO BE AMUSING?

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Minerva,

I may need your help getting Gilderoy out of the funhouse. There are mirrors on every surface, and the silly twit is practically orgasmic.

Sybill

* * *

Dear Severus,

Whatever you do, don't let any of your students buy that pink fluffy candy! Mine are just about ricocheting off the attractions; the stuff is made of pure sugar! It's worse than the sherbet lemons!

Regards, Minerva

* * *

Dear Albus,

I have kneeled before the Dark Lord and begged for my life. I have seen death first hand, and escaped it by a hair. I have been tortured by Cruciatus, beaten by Aurors and had my very soul threatened by ravenous Dementors. And none of it - absolutely none of it - was worse than this nightmare in Muggle-land.

I just got off of a ride called the "Zipper", on which I had the misfortune of sharing a compartment - well, more of a padded cage with restraints, really - with Neville Longbottom.

Never in a million years, Albus, could I have conceived of any experience so horrific that it would leave me squealing like a pig and clinging to Neville Longbottom in abject terror _for fifteen minutes solid._

Thank goodness Longbottom fainted after the first thirty seconds, or I'd have never lived this down. And thank goodness I went to the lavatory beforehand. Longbottom should have too; that much was clear.

Miss Granger wants me to go on the "Tea Cup" ride with her, since all the other little monsters think it's far too tame. For the sake of my pride, I may have to break down and agree to this, although I'm still waiting for the trembling to stop from the last ride.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Gilderoy!

Get your silly arse out of that funhouse, you idiotic peacock! It is not fair of you to saddle Sybill and me with all your students! Don't make me come in there after you!

Minerva

* * *

Dear Albus,

This is a disgrace to the noble art of divination! I am outraged! How can the Ministry of Magic allow Muggles to do this?

There is a machine here in the amusement park that contains a plastic dummy (dressed in admittedly rather fetching attire) that - outrageously - spits out some drivel that is supposed to be your fortune if you feed it some coins! What atrocious hokum is this, Albus? A mere machine cannot possibly divine the future! That requires training! Skill! Second sight! This is an insult to seers everywhere!

I've demanded to speak to the management about this abomination, but these "Carnies" who run the attractions just keep leering at me and smoking in an insolent manner. I'm afraid I shall have to get rather stern with them in a moment.

Sybill

* * *

Dear Albus,

All right, the "Tea Cup" ride wasn't so bad. No worse than traveling by Floo, at any rate, even if it did last longer.

But what sadistic Skrewt-brain thought up the concept for "Bumper Cars"?

Imagine this, Albus: you take a fully grown adult, shoehorn them into a miniature replica of a Muggle car (complete with a tiny steering wheel, just to give them that sad, misguided illusion of control) and then drop them into a pit of similarly equipped maniacs who have nothing better to do with their time than grin insanely and attempt to give everyone in their vicinity whiplash. How is this supposed to be fun? I shall never understand Muggles as long as I live, Albus.

And now I've been talked into going on the "Roller Coaster", which is the thing that I thought looked a bit like those railcars they have in Gringotts bank. Surely it can't be any WORSE than Gringotts is.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Mr. Filch,

To your list of items that are banned from Hogwarts, I would like you to add the following: the "Super-Soaker Water Gun".

It's a Muggle thing, and it's quite dreadful. I nearly drowned. Weasley is still preening about having won it, the little hooligan.

Regards, Professor McGonagall

* * *

Albus,

Gringotts. Doesn't. Turn you. Bloody. Up-side-DOWN. Just for the HELL of it. _FUCK!_

Circe on a crutch, Albus; I think I nearly had a coronary on that demon-begotten contraption called the "Roller Coaster". I'm applying for stress leave when we get back. And I'm probably going to need to dye my hair black again, too.

Severus

* * *

Dear Minerva,

It's quite late in the day already, but my students don't seem to want any lunch. For the ones who are mildly green, I can understand that, but the others claim that they're just not hungry. I suspect they've been sneaking off to buy "corn dogs" and "funnel cakes" whenever I haven't been looking (and my second sight is dreadfully compromised by all the flashing lights and loud music, so I'm reduced to depending on my first sight right now). Do you think I should force them to eat something healthy? How much nutrition do you think a box of "cheesy taters" contains, anyway?

Sybill

* * *

Lockhart!

Get _OUT_ of that funhouse, or I shall be sending the Carnies in after you! Don't say you haven't been warned, Lockhart: these are large, nasty looking men with serious tattoos and malevolent looking body piercings! There is nothing "Speedo" about these gents; you won't enjoy their company if we have to send them in there! Now get out here and act like a proper authority figure, you narcissistic, pixie-witted Kappa-head!

Severus

* * *

Dear Albus,

Severus somehow got talked into going on the "Zipper" one last time before we left, so I'm writing this because his hands are still shaking too badly to. I'll just summarise the day very briefly for you, Albus:

Lost students: 12 (all found) Lost instructors: 1 (also found, the bastard) Gigantic stuffed animals won: 1 Useless items of cheap trash won: 22 Violent incidents involving "Carnie" workers: 2 Bags of candy floss eaten: 57 (note that there are only 40 students with us) Number of corn dogs eaten: 37 Number of funnel cakes eaten: 49 Number of boxes of cheesy taters eaten: 41 Number of times that healthy food was eaten: 0 Number of puking students: 24 (several of those were repeats, however) Number of puking instructors: 2 (we're both feeling much better now, thank you) Number of soiled trousers: 4 Combined number of attraction rides taken by Hogwarts students and staff during the course of the day: 972 Number of students able to remain awake during the bus ride back to the hotel: 2 (so it's not all bad)

Regards, Minerva

* * *

Dear Albus,

Just so you know - in the event of any future legal actions on the part of the hotel - Minerva, Sybill and I have barricaded ourselves in their room with six bottles of nice red wine, a fine selection of take-out cuisine, and a listing of all the movies that the hotel offers. Lockhart, having been remiss in his duties for much of the day, is taking care of the students this evening. The students, by the way, all seem to have revived greatly after their naps on the bus. I think it's called "getting a second wind". I'm sure Lockhart will manage quite adequately without us.

Sybill, Minerva and I are not opening the door (which has been pounded on violently eight times so far this evening) or answering the telephone (which we unplugged after it rang for the fifth time). We're just going to enjoy a quiet night in, watch our movies, eat our food, and serenely drink ourselves into a pleasant stupor. Good night, Albus.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Albus,

Good morning! I don't know if you were told, but Severus, Minerva and Sybill let me have a free rein supervising the children last night, and good thing too! Why, if I hadn't been there, who knows how out of control that little blaze started by the firecracker under the ice machine would have got before someone arrived with the fire extinguisher?

Of course, those frightful Muggle contraptions are so ill built that the silly thing wouldn't turn off. You know, it really is surprising how much foam they can fit inside one of those things, but at least I did manage to put out the fire with it.

The hotel staff was very good about dealing with the fire department for me, which is convenient, since I was needed by the pool at that moment. Somehow both of the sofas from the lobby had accidentally fallen into it.

I do wonder what became of that foam from the fire extinguisher however - I looked out the window later in the night, and the fountain in front of the hotel was simply overflowing with foam! Piles and piles of the stuff! A big ring of students was standing around it, giggling their heads off. I naturally wondered if it was the _same_ foam, but couldn't go down to find out for myself since I was busy dislodging Mr. Longbottom's arm from the candy machine.

The hotel staff did get a _wee_ bit snippy about Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan trying to roast marshmallows over the hot rocks in the sauna. I understand that the boys inadvertently dropped a few, and then scarpered when place filled up with smoke. Thankfully I managed to smooth things over by flirting with the hotel manager a little. Very nice man.

Pansy Parkinson is missing one of her eyebrows and claims that one of the Patil sisters squirted depilatory cream from the spa at her, but I don't think that can be true. I had to break up a fight between Draco Malfoy and both of the Patil sisters (Draco was really taking a drubbing, poor boy) earlier in the evening. I sent them all to their rooms for the night, so neither of the sisters would have dared sneak back out later to attack Miss Parkinson.

Oh, and I did catch Theodore Nott teaching Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe how to smoke cigars, but he said he had a note from you saying that he could, so that's all right, isn't it?

Yes, Albus - all in all, last night went so well that Severus, Minerva and Sybill are completely confident in letting me continue to keep tabs on the children during the bus ride back to Hogwarts. The three of them are sleeping peacefully (although they occasionally complain rather irritably when the children get too noisy) knowing that I'm in charge! Their faith in me is very touching - but of course, well justified!

Sincerely, Gilderoy Lockhart

* * *

Dear Albus,

Lockhart is in the bathroom, whimpering a lot and refusing to come out. Minerva is outside attempting to talk the driver back into the bus. The students are all striving to look very, _very_ innocent. We're not sure what happened, but it is a pity. I was having quite a pleasant little nap before it all went crater-shaped.

As we proved on the journey into London, the best place to keep Lockhart is barricaded in the bathroom, so I think we'll just leave him there. However, we do need the driver back.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Albus,

The driver refused to come back.

I would still like to know what happened, but the man was quite hysterical and said he would rather walk back to London than get on the bus again. The students still won't tell us anything, the little bastards.

So... Sybill says she's driven a Muggle car before. That's better than either Minerva or I can say, and given that I would rather walk back to London myself than let Lockhart take the wheel, Sybill is up at the front re-acquainting herself with the controls right now.

We should see you in a few hours, Albus.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Albus,

We're going to be a little late.

The bus is in the ditch and we're having a bit of trouble getting it to un-tilt again. No one is hurt, although we've damaged a farmer's fence somewhat, and Lockhart keeps whining through the bathroom door that his cloak got stained by that foul blue water from the toilet.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Albus,

We finally had to get Lockhart out of the bathroom to help us with the bus. The fourth wand made the difference, and we're back on the road again. Sybill is confident that she knows what she did wrong the first time, and she's going to try to make up a bit of lost time by speeding up a little.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Albus,

Sybill has been arrested.

Please contact the Ministry of Magic and arrange for Portkeys to be sent here to get the students back to Hogwarts with. I am going to talk some sense into these police officers and get Sybill back.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Albus,

Severus has been arrested.

He was being quite sharp and sarcastic with the officers, and now they've decided to take him away to perform something called a "cavity search" on him. Miss Granger keeps blathering on about it involving teeth. She says her parents are dentists, so I suppose she knows what she's talking about. Given the state of Severus's teeth (please don't tell him I said that), I feel rather sorry for the poor police officers involved.

I have to send this off now, Albus. There's a frightful racket going on in the back rooms where they took Severus, and I need to find out what's going on.

Regards, Minerva

* * *

Dear Albus,

Scratch the Portkeys; owl the Accidental Magic Reversal Squad and inform the Ministry that there's been a serious - but unfortunately necessary - breach of the International Code of Wizarding Secrecy.

I swear, I never dreamed that Muggles could be that...personal...about security, Albus. I may have over-reacted a little bit.

Ah...we should be back at Hogwarts rather sooner than we expected, now. You remember that business at the start of the year with the Weasley boy and Potter, Albus? You know...with the flying car?

Ah. Let's just say that we're letting the Weasley boy drive now, because at least he's got experience with this sort of thing.

He says the bus doesn't steer as well as a Ford Anglia, however.

Yours, Severus

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

You will be pleased to hear that the Accidental Magic Reversal Squad has finished Obliviating the Muggle police officers, and that due to the overcast conditions and the lateness of the day, it appears that no other Muggles saw the flying bus.

It has been decided that given the large number of minors entrusted to your care, and the difficulty of your circumstances, that your use of the Bat-Bogey Hex in front of Muggles, as well as your enchantment of a Muggle vehicle, were justifiable actions. You will not be disciplined for them.

With best wishes, Yours sincerely, Mafalda Hopkirk Improper Use of Magic Office Ministry of Magic

* * *

Dear Severus, Minerva, Sybill and Gilderoy,

Welcome back to Hogwarts, and let me be the first - but not the last! - to thank all of you for your hard work and dedication this past weekend. I've enclosed with this card (signed by all forty students!) the many, many notes that I have received in the past few days from both students and parents, raving about the unqualified success of the Muggle Studies field trip. By their account, a wonderful time was had by all of the children, with many valuable skills learned, and much appreciation for Muggle culture obtained.

I hope you are all simply bursting with pride for making this field trip such a roaring success! I thank you again for your hard work and commitment.

Love, Albus

PS - Er, the four of you _are_ going to be able to take up your teaching duties again soon? Aren't you? Maybe another day or two of rest will get you back on your feet? Just wondering. Let me know.

PPS - We're a little bit strapped for instructors right now, you know. Just a thought.

* * *


End file.
